“Lessons learned”
This week marks our 15-year wedding anniversary for my husband, Matt and I. What a joy the gift of marriage became…notice the tense of that verb. Marriage was (and still can be) challenging. Juggling one another’s needs, tackling life’s demands and striving for strong communication left us both doubting our roles, but God. He repeatedly brushed us off, wiped our egos away, placed our hands back together and called us to go forward with purpose and today, Matt and I believe this with our entire hearts- “Marriage is a gift and brings us so much joy.”
I asked Matt to share 3 strong points he has learned along the way, and this is what he said…
1. Open communication -Always be in communication with your spouse. For Adrienne and I, we get up early so we can beat the noise. We talk about the day, the kids and ideas. We have grown to look forward to our mornings together, but it took effort to build this open communication, honesty and commitment.
2. Embrace the trials of life - “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance,” James 1:2-3 NIV. I know how difficult it can be to see the forest through the trees, but it's important to know God is in everything. Adrienne and I have endured difficult times in our marriage, yet as we've always looked back, we have seen God’s faithfulness in each trial. Every trial in life reminded us of God’s faithfulness.
3. Parent together -This phrase has become taboo in today’s world and is easier said than done. One thing I've consistently enjoyed about our marriage is our ability to respect each other’s parenting styles. Adrienne’s strength is my weakness and vice versa. Our kids face a difficult world, and God gave us a large responsibility to teach our kids to be Christ followers not crowd followers. The most important word in our home is legacy and we want our kids to carry our legacy to their kids.
The lessons I(Adrienne) would want to share are…
1. Your spouse is not your enemy. Even if you feel that your spouse is not living out his or her God given purpose within your home, they are not the opponent. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 tells us who we are really fighting against and without God’s Word disrupting our worldly thought process we will miss this bigger picture.
2. Your husband’s deepest desire is to be respected. Whether it’s in the form of encouragement or being selective with your responses as they show vulnerability, it’s a must to strengthen communication. It may simply be reminding him that you are on his team or stopping to say, ‘thank you,’ but make sure to take time to offer it in ways that speak to him.
3. Never make your husband feel as if you don’t need him to do this life. I come from a long line of focus, determined women. We can juggle kids, wild animals and pull a trailer in the middle of it, but we also can imply too much independence if we aren’t careful. So, stop and consider the message we may be sending our husband from time to time. Tell him how much you value him in your marriage.
And lastly, you are not your spouses’ Holy Spirit. Read it again. I recently saw this message at a retreat and found it very informative. If we aren’t careful, we can slip into a judgement seat and take on a ‘holier than you’ mentality towards those closest to us. If you desire growth in your spouse spiritually, open your eyes to areas he or she needs prayer in and go to The Lord with your requests. Psalms 37:7 tells us to wait patiently for the Lord and He will act, so wait expectantly for Him.
I find it ironic that just last week a friend, who struggles in her marriage asked me this question, “are you really still in love after this many years or has your love faded?” It brought me so much joy to honestly answer with this, “I am more in love with my husband now than I was when I met him and that is due to the goodness of God because He led us well.”
